Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Impeccable Logic of Intelligent Design

And I heard as it were a call within the whirlwind. And the call was great, and cried with a loud voice saying, The Lord Thy God is great big wad of flying spaghetti. Behold His marvelous work of creation! And I looked, and I saw with exceeding wonder the world His strands hath made; and straightway I was made new, and nibbled on the garlic bread of Paradise. – The Book of Goober, 12:35-39.

Via -- appropriately enough -- Jesus' General, we present "An Open Letter to the Kansas School Board," by Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen. Not since Martin Luther pinned his theseses -- his thesetheseeses -- his thesissessess's -- those things to that door has there been such a brilliant exposition of religious theology. Go thou and feast upon the whole plate -- but first enjoy this appetizer:

"I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

"Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

"It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

"Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power...."

Pilgrim, do not dawdle. Seek now His Noodly Appendage!